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Yesterday, I attended MomCom Austin. It is exactly what you think it is: it's a conference for moms.

I wasn't sure what to expect. I'm not one for big groups of people, particularly women, especially moms. But I've been struggling to meet people and I thought it would be nice to do some networking.

The event was amazing. I can't say enough good things about it. I learned how to build a "mama tribe," which isn't as weird as it sounds; I listened to a pediatrician say that with proper planning, even a household with two physicians can eat dinner together every night; I met a woman with the same birthday as me. I met one of my favorite writers. I discovered a wellness center I wish I could join.

But something I realized at MomCom after visiting all of the exhibits is that Austin families wholeheartedly believe in outsourcing. You can hire someone to get your baby on a sleep schedule, potty-train, make gourmet baby food, handle your finances, create meal plans, help you make friends and, my personal favorite, a life coach. Yes, people get paid to get your chaotic crazy life in order.

Since I'm once again unemployed between jobs, I'm taking this life coaching thing pretty seriously. Not because I want to hire one; maybe I should be one!

Would my snarkiness be a help or a hinder? Let's role-play a bit.

Problem: "My partner and I are having trouble communicating."

Hip-Baby Mama, Life Coach: There's nothing that can't be solved by leaving notes around the house. Start with something nice like 'Have a great day.' 'I love you.' 'My life is more complete since I have you.'

Once you've gotten his/her attention and they think these notes are nice affirmations, be free and say whatever you want. 'You bought the wrong milk, asshole.' 'Please put your shoes away because I tripped over them and twisted my ankle.' 'If you leave the goddamn toilet seat up one more time, I'm going to smother you in your sleep.' Notes are perfect because you can say whatever you want and you're not around for the reaction. Write-and-run is a motto to live by.

Problem: "I'm unfulfilled in my job."

Hip-Baby Mama, Life Coach: You should probably quit.

If that's not feasible, then do what you can to make your day more fun. Fill the copy machine with neon paper, email your co-workers cat videos, blast Wilson Phillips, yell, "The meeting will now begin!!" like Bill Cosby says, "The beatings will now begin," burst into tears anytime someone asks you to do something, leave the toilet seat up in the ladies' room. Just because you're not doing your life's work doesn't mean you can't have fun.

Problem: "My kids don't listen to me."

Hip-Baby Mama, Life Coach: There's nothing a little public shaming can't cure! Hack into the brat's Facebook profile and post raunchy status updates. If they're only 9, they shouldn't be on Facebook anyway and you are a terrible parent who needs to monitor their internet usage.

Problem: "Sometimes I think my baby is an asshole."

Hip-Baby Mama, Life Coach: You are right. Your baby is an asshole. Maybe they'll grow out of it, maybe not. It's best to just find the right mix of wine and pills to make your life more bearable. Because the scariest words ever, FINAL SALE--NO RETURNS, are even scarier when applied to a newborn.

What do you think? Do I have what it takes to become a life coach?

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Comment by Penny Roach on January 31, 2013 at 2:18pm

That was hilarious!!  My husband thinks that I have the monopoly on sarcasm.  He never believes me when I say "not so!!"  Some great ideas to try!

Amazing to me how many goofy middle school kids are on Twitter.  And of course they NEVER remember to log out of their accounts.  May to have to pass that little tidbit on!

Penny at Green Moms and Kids

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