So, these last days leading up to the baby’s estimated due date have been quite the emotional whirlwind for me.
Of course, like every other mama on the brink of giving birth, I have been totally anxious to feel the beginnings of labor, or receive SOME sign that the baby has decided to make his way into this world. And like every other wishful VBAC mama, I have been especially anxious, hoping that this baby’s birth might be different from my first baby’s. In search of giving my son the gift of a natural labor, I have eaten lots of pineapple, bounced up and down on a bouncy ball, taken several long walks… I have talked to the full moon, prayed, and given myself many a pep-talk about how I CAN in fact give birth.
I have also told myself that if push comes to shove (or perhaps, more well-stated, if push DOESN’T come to SHOVE), and I need to have a second c-section in order to birth this baby, so be it. It will still be miraculous, and amazing, and will still bring us a son (god willing) that we can kiss and hug and surround with love. We have a c-section scheduled for 8 days post due date. While doing this doesn’t give us the full 14 days post due date that my midwives would normally allow, it might (again, hopefully) prevent us from running into an emergency c-section scenario similar to the one I went through with Emmy.
So this kid is “on the clock,” so to speak. He’s got 9 days to get down and get busy, and help me bring him into this world. And I’ve got the same 9 days to stay positive and keep my mind and body strong.
I do know that if I make it all the way to next Wednesday night without having gone into labor, I am going to ask my husband for a few minutes (or maybe a few more than a few minutes) to myself so that I can have what I imagine will be a well-needed sob session, allowing me to get the sadness and disappointment at not being able to birth naturally out of my system. As much as I have tried to prepare myself for the possibility of needing a second c-section, I know that if it becomes an actuality, I am going to have some real, deep sadness about it, and I want to just give myself the time and space to feel it without hesitation. Then I will wash my face, and ask my husband to take me out for a nice romantic dinner so I can clear my head, relax, and try not to stress too much about the operation that will take place the next morning.
But maybe it won’t come to that. Maybe (again, hopefully) I can go into natural birth. Nine days is a long time. Anything can happen between now and next Thursday, really.
In an effort to not put too much stress on myself, and to help myself NOT focus on the ticking clock, or every little movement in my uterus, or the possibility of what may or may not be, I am trying to focus on the right now. I am trying to concentrate on appreciating the relative simplicity of being a parent to one child. I am trying to make sure I breathe in these last few days of being able to focus my mama love on Emmy. And I am acknowledging that as much as I cannot WAIT for this baby’s arrival, part of me will totally miss THESE days, where it is just me, my husband, and my beautiful little mooshkatoo.
Ugh, there I go, crying again. T-2, or 3, or 9… it’s just such an emotional time.