October 15th is a day to honor baby loss.
My son passed away last year shortly after he was born at 27 weeks. I self delivered him in the hospital and while the placenta was coming out...the doctor informed me that he was going to die and there was nothing left for them to do. He weighed 1lb. 14oz. He was moving in my arms when he was born...and the next time I saw him an hour and half later, he was already gone. They baptized him half an hour after he was born.
It was absolutely the worst day of my life. A permanent burn in my heart. I know I did not grieve right or really had the chance to because I had my little girl. I had to be strong for her but at the same time I was breaking horribly inside. I tried to go to group therapy with other mothers that had miscarried, infant loss...but no matter what, your loss will always seem worse to you because it happened to you. As October 15th gets closer, I get nervous and depressed. I already know how people are going to act...asking question on my mood. Many people have told me that talking about what happened and about my son will help me. The truth is, I have no idea where to even start. I am not even sure I know how to grieve. The day it all happened, it was such a traumatic ordeal that some parts I cannot remember when other parts, like the pain and blood, are so vivid. For weeks after, I had nightmares of the labor. It was pure hell. I felt the pain in my dream. It was like reliving it over and over again, night after night. I was afraid to go to sleep.
Some people say my infant now is my son reborn. Others say he is in heaven watching over us. I want to believe he is at ease and happy. The doctors said he was not in pain and did not suffer. But how would they know?
I would love to talk about it since I never had the chance to...not even with my husband. We still have yet to talk about it and its already been a year and 3 months. I can't even talk about it without breaking down.
I am so sorry to every singly parent out there with empty arms. To every parent that has experienced a loss, especially a baby loss, I am truly sorry. The pain will never subside but in time I heard, it gets easier to deal with...hasn't yet for me. It's devastating to lose such a small precious child that you had so many hopes and dreams for. I knew I always wanted to be a mother when I was younger, and my greatest fear was losing a child...I never ever predicted that that would happen to me, and it did. In honor of my son, my husband and I are getting tattoos, 2. One of his hand print on our left shoulder/arm because we figured had we been able to hold him when he was a little older, that is where his hand would have gone, and around his hand would be the baby loss ribbon. The other tattoo (for me) will be a mother/baby symbol I found with a poem and his name and birth date. My husband already has a memorial tattoo for him. It is a medium/large sized cross on his back with his name in the center and on top says may angels lead you in.
The most I can do is pray to God to let me dream about him. My Alexander. My angel. My baby. 6/22/2011.