And replaced with an unsure mother.
Have you ever felt, by becoming a mom, you have lost all traces of the former person you used to be? Have you ever looked in the mirror at your disheveled hair, clothes stained with baby milk, and dark circles and wondered what happened to that savvy, well-manicured, vibrant woman who used to inhabit the person who now knows more about Bubble Guppies then the economic bubble?
Maybe its the fact that we spend a substantial part of our time and energy taking care of laundry, dinners, and car pooling here and there that we forget we were once someone else. Someone more put together, less manic.
I honestly never pictured this as my life. If you would have said to me, "By the time you are 29 you will have 3 kids and be a work-at-home mom" I would have asked you what you were smoking. There was NO WAY I could be in THAT position, doing one of the hardest jobs in the world.
It's funny, before you become a parent there are classes about safety, courses on breast feeding, and tutorials on baby proofing you home. But no one teaches you how to not lose yourself in a the sea of bagged lunches and tummy aches.
There is an epic conflict that resides within me between the perfect mom and the perfect me. I envy women who don't have this dilemma; they seem to glide through motherhood without even a backward glance to the life they once had, or the dreams they have yet to fulfill. For them the dream ends with being a mom.
I, on the other-hand, feel like my aspirations (pre-marriage) are chasing after me like a Rottweiler who just caught sight of a tasty kitty. They taunt me with "what could be" and constantly remind me I will never feel truly be fulfilled until I see them through.
My role as a wife and mother brings me more joy then I ever imagined as a 19 year old, hell bent on not being June Clever. I thought this blog would be a way to fuse together my two worlds; by day an ordinary mom, by night a SUPER blogger. But what happens when that fire you have for something outside your family seems to get farther and farther out of reach, because they become your world?
I'm so much more then what my children see. I have more to give and know I'm meant for something bigger.
Is it selfish to want to pursue your dreams, even if you know it will mean less time with your children?
Unsure from Boyland,