So Ibiza has been in the news this week as a number of b-list celebrities jet out for some richly deserved look at me-time.
After I’d got over the envy of the perfect tans (I may be catching the sun on maternity leave, but my bright-white-foot-wide-nursing-bra-strap-marks make my arms look like they’ve been designated laybys by the Highways Agency), I was also forced to face the realisation that now I’m a mum I WILL NEVER GO RAVING AGAIN.
It doesn’t matter that the last time I went raving was so long ago Deadmau5 was still something you found in your student kitchen, I still felt like a tiny morsel of freedom had been snatched away from me.
But then I got to thinking. Raising babies and partying like it’s 1995 may not be so different after all….
1. The Drugs
Babies are like ecstasy pills. You’ve read about the dangers, the pitfalls, the side-effects, but all of your friends are doing it so you plough on and have one regardless.
Be warned. Babies are a gateway to harder and harder middle-aged drugs of choice. Like caravans. And quirkily-shaped hedges.
2. Warehouse Parties
The derelict warehouse may have been replaced with one of the ‘Wacky’ variety, but it’s much the same.
The taps in the toilets don’t work, they’re full of people with their tits hanging out and you’re surrounded by a bunch of dummy-sucking kids jumping up and down waving glow sticks (aka “breadsticks”).
3. The Repetitive Beats
Kids’ music is REPETITIVE. If you thought there was a limit to the times you can bounce up and down on a big red tractor, you would be wrong my friend.
4. Back Rubs
They never used to end with a loud burp and a bit of milky sick in your ear, and you actually KNOW the recipient, but you’re still spending large portions of your night administering back rubs to a sweaty gurning humanoid.
5. You Don’t Go To The Toilet for DAYS
Despite your pelvic floor hanging as raggedly as a St George’s flag on a Wetherspoons, you somehow manage to go an inhumanly long time without urinating. But when you do, there’s always someone else in there with you….
6. Will I Ever Sleep Again?
Remember when the total HOURS of sleep you’d get at the weekend was the same as the number of DAYS in the weekend?
Now you’re doing well if you’ve BLINKED in the last month.
7. Can You Smell Weed?
Okay, so it’s actually more like “has someone weed?” You’ll see parents sniffing the air, then a look of recognition cross their faces as they get a hit of that sweet aroma. Yes, someone in this room has some. Concealed in their nappy. You just need to strip-search everyone to find it.
Also, remember when back in the day you’d ask people if they’d found any good shit recently. Now you just find shit. Everywhere. In places you didn’t even know existed.
8. Love Is All Around
Don’t be surprised if you find yourself in love with random strangers. This can happen for the slightest of reasons, such as them giving you a baby wipe when you realise you have puke down your crotch.
Or when it transpires they have a mother-in-law more annoying than your own.
9. Chatting Shit to Strangers
You’ve swopped the club toilet for the local playgroup, but the principle is the same. You talk a LOT of shit.
Most of it you don’t mean, but your new-found empathy means you don’t want to offend anyone. Like when you said that really ugly baby ‘had a lot of character’. Or when you agreed that homeopathy might help children to learn French more easily.
So there you have it. Raving is like raising babies. Total Balearics, I’ll warrant you, but at least it made me feel better!