Colleen's Blog (20)

I Hope She Knows

It's been almost a year since I left my job to stay at home. But once you've worked in the field of domestic violence, it never leaves you. At least it hasn't for me. As I rolled up to the check out with two pissed off and tired kids, I saw her. My heart skipped a beat. I was at once happy to see her (because she was alive) and sad. I was sad because standing…

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Added by Colleen on August 2, 2012 at 4:25pm — No Comments

How to Help Your Child (and You) Survive the Week Following Their Tonsillectomy/Adenoidectomy

I was going to title this post, "How to Get Through the Completely Shitastic Week Following Your Young Child's Tonsillectomy: Hide the Liquor (you) and Potato Chips (them)" but I thought that might seem a smidge dramatic. Then I thought, "Tonsillectomy: An Excersise in Kid Torture, I Want to Cry" might be better. Then I almost called it "Tonsillectomies Suck the High Hard One: How to Prepare For the Worst Week of Your Child's Life" and then I settled on "Eureka!…
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Added by Colleen on July 28, 2012 at 10:54am — No Comments

Dear Sweaty Half Naked Jogger Guy,

I'd like to thank you, Sweaty Half Naked Jogger Guy (SHNJG) for coming along when you did. Several months ago I started implementing my "no judgment" policy. Because well, judgment is gross and I hate the feeling. So,  just when I thought I had it down, you run through my field of vision and tempt me. You were wearing the equivalent of a Speedo, your butt cheeks, trying so hard to escape their lycra prison and running like a gazelle through the fair city. My first instinct was to judge you.…

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Added by Colleen on June 15, 2012 at 8:15pm — No Comments

Apricot Chicken

 have three challenges everytime I think about making dinner. One kid is crazy

picky, hates most meat and loves dairy. The other loves food, especially meat,

but is allergic to milk and eggs (peanuts and shrimp too). I love butter,

bacon and cheese but that's irrelevant. I have moderate skills in the kitchen,

so whatever I cook needs to be easy-ish. And fast. Because, if left for too long

to their own devices, someone gets hurt. My kitchen is tiny.  My goal is always…

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Added by Colleen on June 7, 2012 at 12:40pm — No Comments

The Bully Project

This is my story. You know that “it’s coming” feeling you get at the bottom of your throat right before you vomit? Or that feeling of slow motion electricity that runs the entire length of your body as you fall in that time between the initial trip and hitting the ground? If you mix those two feelings together you will get an idea of how I existed in my  twelfth and thirteenth  year of life. 1988  was the year when my life took a turn for the fucking awful. My childhood was awesome. I had…

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Added by Colleen on April 5, 2012 at 4:20pm — No Comments

The Jacket

Back when I was a college freshman I took a trip with my main gay, J. My first time in the big city. I was more than excited and more than ready to take New York City by her cheeks and kiss her on the lips. Dressed as glamour machanics in matching grease monkey jumpsuits, painted makeup, red bandanas and silver lace up boots, we boarded the plane. On our first night there I learned never to trust anyone named Neko near your open nostrils (close call) and we met the most amazing drag queen…

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Added by Colleen on March 22, 2012 at 11:13am — No Comments

Talk To Strangers

I was grocery shopping with Plum today when we encountered a gentleman in the frozen aisle. He looked confused and a little stressed. I said hello. He told me that he was trying to read the ingredients of the ice cream bars he had in his hands because his grandson was just diagnosed with a nut allergy. But he'd forgotten his glasses. I asked him if he'd like me to check and he smiled. "Would you?". "Totally", I said. Now I would be lying if I told you that....…

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Added by Colleen on March 15, 2012 at 1:00pm — No Comments

There's No Place Like Home

Back when Mr. Pants was the teeniest of tiny babies, I was overcome with emotion thinking about one day sending him to school. I shit you not, I cried about it. Postpartum hormones were not very nice to me. I was an unholy mess. I would stare at my perfect little baby and cry about all kinds of things. He would maybe get married someday (tears). He would someday sing in a Christmas pageant (floodgates). Someday we will snuggle and watch Goonies (Sniff Sniff). But the most frequent…

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Added by Colleen on January 28, 2012 at 9:36am — No Comments

The Ballad of Blue Duck

About a month ago, Mr. Pants spent a few hours with Grandma Pants. And Grandma Pants knows a thing or two about gifting things to kids. There was no way the kid was coming home empty handed. What I didn't expect though was to be given a box of plastic weighted ducks. Muticolored plastic ducks. I thought, "Really? Now what am I supposed to do with twelve colored ducks?".…

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Added by Colleen on January 21, 2012 at 9:50pm — No Comments

Parking Decks, The Staples Guy and Psychotic Pig Puppets

I fall a little more in love with my kid every single day. But today, he got double points. Because he is a rock star. This was our morning. 10:00 am : We arrive in the parking deck. When your kid is obssessd with cars, parking decks are like Disney World. Mr. Pants becomes overwhelmed with his need to point to every single car and yell, "Cah-er!". Then we walk behind a conversion van and his mind is blown. He looks to me as if to say, "Mama, what is that effing amazing and glorious…

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Added by Colleen on January 19, 2012 at 12:53pm — No Comments

How To Not Hurt Your Kids

While watching the some news clips online yesterday I came across a video that really shook me. It was a video of a father beating his sixteen year old daughter with a belt. The girl had set up the camara in her room because she knew and could feel a beating was imminent. I've heard this described countless times by the women and children I worked with in the shelter. The Feeling. Knowing that violence was going to happen to you. They would describe the....…

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Added by Colleen on November 4, 2011 at 5:37pm — No Comments

Lessons

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. I have a bit of a personal stake in it, so I wrote about it.

 

 

Once upon a time there was an 18 year od girl named Sarah*. She was talented and beautiful and in love. She'd just graduated from high school and was set to marry her sweetheart. The dreamy and mysterious Henry*. She loved music and acting and kids. She was the oldest of five so she knew a thing or two about taking care of little ones. She had a dream, like many…

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Added by Colleen on October 18, 2011 at 12:32pm — No Comments

This may not seem like a big deal...

Oh but it is. For two years and five months, Daddy and I have been trying to

read our boy books. He thought it was boooooring. I'd say, "Look Mr

Pants, there's a ball! There's a dog!" and I'd point and point and point and

point. He'd grab the book from me and throw it OR turn the pages faster than

fast and then throw it. But we...…

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Added by Colleen on October 11, 2011 at 11:51am — No Comments

Sunday's Pearl

Good morning everyone!! Every Sunday I try and post a small nugget of "wisdom" on my blog. I call it Sunday's Pearl. Here's todays....

 

Sunday's Pearl

Added by Colleen on October 9, 2011 at 8:30am — No Comments

The Rules

As a child I was certain I would be the greastest mother that ever walked
this earth (and maybe even other planets), but I never really thought about what
it really meant to be a stay at home mom. I was sure that...read more

Added by Colleen on October 8, 2011 at 8:32am — No Comments

Kids are Gross

 

 

Kids are so gross. The grossest. And I'm not even just talking about the part
where they poop and pee in their pants. Because, yeah, that's totally gross but
meh. It's at least contained and expected. I'm talking about...Read More

Added by Colleen on October 4, 2011 at 2:44pm — No Comments

I Hate Waiting

Gah. I hate to wait. I hate it. I am the person that strategically moves through a day in avoidance of waiting. I never hit the BMV at open or close or lunch. I go at two o'clock when the luch break crowd is gone and before the after work crowd gets there. I would rather starve then...Read more

Added by Colleen on September 26, 2011 at 2:09pm — No Comments

Sunday's Pearl

Today's Pearl

Added by Colleen on September 25, 2011 at 1:33pm — No Comments

Sleepy Pants

The Pants Family never got the hang of cribs.....

Added by Colleen on September 24, 2011 at 12:55pm — No Comments

The Party

http://www.theadventuresofthefamilypants.com/1/post/2011/09/the-party.html

Added by Colleen on September 22, 2011 at 9:25pm — No Comments

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